Friday, March 14, 2008

Personal Ranting

I love my study groups! Each one has its own energy and I get to be around people I care about and who care about me. It's as close to heaven on earth as you can get. I love staying up late talking deep thoughts about Jesus and God and the Bible. And then - I have to live in reality and go to work in the morning.

So it's bad enough that I have to get out of bed. Leaving the comfort of my cuddly snuggly kittens behind I start the day. Sometimes I do good and get on the treadmill, sometimes I do good just to get to the shower. And those mornings that I can get to work without falling asleep I am doing fantastic. I enjoy listening to the preachers in the morning: Woodrow Kroll, Chuck Swindoll, Chip Ingram, Southeast Christian guys, and Allistair Begg are the radio regulars. It starts my day in the word and getting fed with new insights. And by the time I enter the office I'm doing great and ready to work - to be really productive and get a lot done. Then it begins...

Now, I love my boss. I've worked for and with him for over 11 years now (at KFC and Creative Alliance), and he's been the only consistent "father-figure" I've ever had. And as nice a guy he his -he takes care of us with perks and treats at work - he still has an annoying way of making me feel completely worthless almost every day. Even when we worked at the agency, the new interns coming in were assimilated with full grandeur of mentorship from him - and I got to type his research charts in PowerPoint. Here, I knew it was coming...convention's big project is over - and so is the need to have me know anything or be involved in anything. I am officially invisible again until he or anyone else needs something done. I have at least 3 pages worth of a job description, and that's because I do a LOT of stuff. Mindless stuff for me, but still just a lot to manage. But my first priority which was set for me by my boss is to do whatever someone else needs me to do. That comes first. Regardless of my work. And that's fine.

He also likes to make sure everyone outside this office knows he's the boss. So when I have been working on something with someone else - like videos for award-winners - he has to make sure he's the one to move up the deadline, when he's had nothing to do with the project so far. And has no idea of what it takes to even get a video edited and rendered out to disc. So by one decree from him - he has just doubled my project time. And everything else gets pushed. Now he is extremely good at what he does, but manager is not his forte. And because we only have 7 people in this office, it makes for a horrible experience day-in and day-out. Because the big boss is nto my only boss in this office - anyone can come out and tell me what to do and I have to do it - because whoever sits out front (that's me) - that's the way it was always done before. Well - no one has got it in their head that I am filling 2 positions and added in more that no one has ever done before. They take things from my desk, they stand over me and talk to each other like I'm not here, there is no asking if I'm working on anything else because clearly I only work on what they need. Ugh... and this bad attitude of mine works into such a frenzy in a day that all I can do is cry. I look for jobs regularly. I've applied to many, but my resume is so full of a variety of experience it makes it look like I'm not focused. Sorry that I can do so many different things well.

And so back to the Bible studies. Last night was great. And we got around to talking about Stephanie Frazier's last moments. It was beyond touching and amazing. I constantly wish I knew her more. I remember her enough that I think about her sometimes when I worship. Can I worship that completely like she did - without restraint. And I can really appreciate being able to relive those moments in a positive way for Ryan and Rebecca. and Bridgette talked about when her dad died. And there were constrasting examples of people who were non-believers that looked like they were being tortured during their last breaths. And all that brought back the experiences I went through myself last year when my dad died and my great-grandma died.

When my dad died, I wasn't there. I got there right after someone NOTICED he had died. My uncle was watching TV and dad's old girlfried, Debbie, had laid on the couch to get some rest. When she woke up she found he died. And my uncle was still WATCHING TV! Needless to say that whole night was surreal.

We had talked a few days before about where he was going. He didn't know - he was "leaving it up to the Good Lord." Well, I learned that my dad had been baptised as a youth. But when he saw some church members in a bar - he turned away. I don't think that's the only reason. He made a lot of horrible choices in his life and died of them at the age of 52 - he never turned back to Christ. I tried the approach of "we can finally have a relationship in heaven if you choose Jesus. Cause that's where I'll be going someday. Do you want to be there waiting for me? " His response: "your mother made it hassle to try to have a relationship with you. I was always mad at her for that." And he turned to watch TV. What!?!?!?!? What the hell! He never claimed Christ to me, nor to anyone else that I was made aware of. He certainly didn't show Christ in his life - I didn't come to Christ through my dad or anyone in my family for that matter. Christ literally saved me from destruction. That's a whole 'nother chapter. But this man who was dying and was faced with a fresh opportunity didn't take it.

And that's what I was left with last night. When I got home I had a voice mail from dad's sister, Penny. Wanting me to do something for her. That's the only time they call me is to ask for help. And that's fine. I check on them as regular as I can without being dragged down too much. They are definitely not positive-thinkers. I talk about church and praying and being at peace. Because I don't want to thump them over the head, but love them into it. At least I've finally gotten my mamaw to quit saying G-D around me.

So now that I've released all that, and prayed, and grasping onto the Holy Spirit to help give me peace today with those thoughts that attack me, I feel ok. Tired, but ok. And like I said during Thrive, I am beyond excited that God is my dad now. I am truly a princess. It's just hard when reality hits like a brick wall upside the head.


Rebecca Jo said...

I was thinking of you last night & your last days/conversations with your dad while everyone was talking about people they love passing away. I could feel your heart strings being tugged! I'm so glad you're there with us! Some good learning - lots of laughs & fun conversations!

And thanks for giving me the night off with Ricky's questions :-)