Thursday, April 10, 2008

Loneliness

The dictionary defines lonely:
1 a: being without company : lone b: cut off from others : solitary2: not frequented by human beings : desolate3: sad from being alone : lonesome4: producing a feeling of bleakness or desolation

In the Bible there are only 4 references to lonely - only 4. Two of which were about Jesus retreating to lonely places to pray to God. The other 2 are in Psalms. Psalm 68:6 says that God sets the lonely in families.

But Psalm 25, David says in verse 14: "The Lord confides in those who fear him; he makes his covenant known to them. (15) My eyes are ever on the Lord, for only he will release my feet from the snare." That's good stuff, but in verse 16: "Turn to me and be gracious to me, for I am lonely and afflicted. (17) The troubles of my heart have multiplied; free me from my anguish." What!?!? It's almost as if David took more than one day to write this Psalm. Because if this is what he's thinking as a run-on sentence moment -- that's where I have been lately.

I love the Lord - He is the Lord of my life. I could not breathe without Him. I know how much He loves me, He proves it every day that I wake up. Yet, the troubles of my heart seem to grow. And I haven't been able to figure it all out. But lately, God has been doing some amazing revelating to me. I've felt left-out of a lot of circles of friends that I want to be more involved with. It's not that they don't like me - I'm just easily overlooked - and I refuse to bully my way in. I'm of the opinion that if people want me around, they'll open up to me...if not, they won't. It needs to be a natural fit - I'm not going to force anything. But in the process, I feel like that kid who gets picked last for stuff. Others don't see it that way - it never even crosses their mind, but that's just how I've been feeling. And why?

Last night I had a breakdown. And thank God for friends that He places in my path at the right moments. So through a little friendly counsel, observation and some cuddly baby-time (and Levi sharing a peanut butter candy), my real issue became clearer.

Who would have thought....me, being lonely. I mean, I enjoy my alone-time. I get to do whatever I want, watch whatever I want, listen to whatever, etc. I have friends who like and love me, I have some family that loves me - and yet, I am still feeling miserable at times. And I KNOW that Jesus loves me - that's not the issue.

But because I am lonely - I feel miserable. And I historically have a problem with being lonely in crowds. I tend to feel like I have nothing in common with anyone - I'm single, no children, like to watch cartoons, read about history...mainly I'm a creative geek. And become real shy - yes, me - don't laugh. But if you ever notice me not talking - that's generally why. But you know what -- it's no one's fault but my own. So don't feel sorry for me. That's not why I write this out. I believe because I so quickly grasp the negative thoughts that enter in my head - be it of my own making, or enticed by Satan - that skews everything. I have to fight to overcome that. To not completely back away from those that do like me just because I am feeling left out - because that's just MY perception...no one else's. And it makes me very selfish, self-centered, whatever you want to call it. I think that's why I SOOO need to work on projects for others.

SO - I want to apologize to everyone that I've been around lately. I've been a twit, please forgive me.

1 comments:

Mike said...

It's a hard spot you are in, knowing from experience, but I also know sometimes words aren't always enough to make ya feel better. But there are tons of us who care about you and look for you at church, even if we aren't maybe as vocal about is we should be. If you need an ear me or Amy are always available.

 
;